Answering Some Hard Questions

The winner of a free copy of Valerie Patterson's The Other Side of Blue is Kaye George. Congratulations, and enjoy!

Elizabeth Zelvin

I recently appeared as a guest author on a chat at The Writers Chat Room, where the participating writers asked me a couple of hard questions:
1. Why don’t people in abusive relationships just walk away?
2. What do you do as a shrink?
I was relieved to find that they seemed to like my answers. Here’s the transcript, so you can judge for yourself.

P--: Maybe it's a 'culture shock' or maybe I'm just too "square" , but anyway: I've read a lot of 'blurbs' recently which seem to depend on ABUSIVE relationships. I've never found the premise convincing:
surely the answer is simple: WALK AWAY!!
Liz: Ahhh, what a perfect lead line...
as I've told you, I'm a shrink...
and I've worked with many, many people, couples, and families over the years...
from alcoholic and violent and other kinds of dysfunctional families...
and there are a lot of good reasons why it's not so easy to walk away...
or "throw the bum out"...
without getting to clinical about it...
it doesn't have a lot to do with reason...
but with what some folks call the unconscious...
childhood history that may have been truly horrendous...
and what (corny though it may sound) I find it very helpful to call "the inner child"...
on a deep and irrational level, the person who can't unhook from a relationship that's bad for him or her...
E--: Does not leaving have to do with fear?
Liz: has had a lot of experience with being abandoned, both wooed and abused (yes, E, fear), may be terrified of being alone...
it is not reasonable, but believe me, leaving is almost impossible for some folks with that kind of history...
D--: Low self-esteem. Doesn't feel they deserve anything better.
who haven't had a chance to develop the inner strength to fight it and stand on their own...
Liz: that's certainly one aspect of it, D--...
two of the many scenarios, that I think dramatize how powerful it is...
one, a young child who's been sexually abused by a trusted adult...
P--: Lack of family support/values ... we could argue this one point all night! :)
Liz: either told it's an expression of love or that they'll be killed if they tell...
bad practice for breaking free of a dominant, violent significant other...
another, just looking at alcoholic women who may get themselves into situations they can't get out of...
77 percent of alcoholic women have experienced sexual abuse and trauma at some point in their lives...
a lot of people can't simply walk away and believe they'll be okay...
their experience doesn't support it.
L--: wow, that's a lot of great stuff
P--: TY Elizabeth - that's one of the most complete, thoughtful comments I've ever read! :)

A--: What do you try to do as a shrink? what is the proper name
Liz: LOL...
I like to say "shrink"...
part shock value, part making folks comfortable...
but I'm a clinical social worker by training and a psychotherapist...
for the past 8 or 9 years, an online therapist...
A--: oh cool
Liz: I'd say my goal is not to give "advice" or tell people what to do...
but to empower them to take responsibility for their own choices and feel that they CAN make their own choices...
a lot of the time, I do work with the wounded "inner child"...
A--: ohhhhh
Liz: people who carry so much pain from toxic "family rules"...
they have to heal on a lot of different levels...
cognitive (the head stuff), emotional, behavioral, and what I sometimes call spiritual...
A--: wow
Liz: which really means some form of letting go...
that's probably too much shorthand, but it is basically what I do.
A--: Thanks Elizabeth
L--: Liz, your answers are fabulous :)
A--: ditto

The Writer's Chat Room has guest authors on Sunday evenings and open chat for writers on Wednesdays.