Stress and the Wisdom of Children

by Julia Buckley
A nostalgic look at my sons, back when they were my chief advisors.


Despite the fact that I write books about people who can survive all sorts of tension and intrigue, I have found that I myself am terrible under pressure.

Saturday, for example, I got a notice from my mortgage company telling me that my payment was overdue. I immediately went into high-stress mode, tearing through my records and trying to contact my debtors by phone (naturally, they were closed). I then tried some of the online options, none of which worked because they kept detouring me to a “late payment” page, while I was convinced that they had lost my check.

During this problem-solving stage, I basically threw a fit, snapping at my sons, who had stopped goofing around to loiter around the computer and ask me what was wrong. Eventually I managed to solve it (I hope) via electronic means. Then I thought about how rotten I am at dealing with stress.

I was reminded of a similar occasion about ten years ago, when I was trying to transition back into the workplace after spending a couple of years with my children. I had gone on an interview at a local high school and met with both the principal and the English department chair. They had given me some forms to fill out and return to them the following day.

I came home with my forms and promptly lost them–I have a tendency to lose very important things in a way that would interest Sigmund Freud. Under stress I become a fool; I throw away checks, recycle tax forms, spill food on crucial documents.

On this particular day, my sons (one still in a diaper) sat watching me as I tore around the house, raging about my lost paper. Ian, my oldest, tried to counsel me through my panic attack. Graham, a baby, sat in his high chair and played with a plastic toy.

“What did you lose, Mom?”

“A really important paper!”

“Did you put it on the table?”

“I thought so, but it’s not there! I put it right here, and now it’s gone!”

“You’ll find it. Just keep looking,” he advised.

“Do you know how bad this will look?” I yelled. “They just interviewed me, and now I’ll have to tell them that I lost the papers they just gave me! Do you know how unprofessional that will seem?” I was beyond the point at which I might notice the irony or the inappropriateness of sharing this problem with a little boy and a baby.

My son came forward and put a calming hand on my arm. Back then they had skinny little bodies and large round heads, like Charlie Brown characters or Precious Moments figurines. Ian’s pudgy face was serious as could be as he said, “Mom, everyone loses things. All you have to do is go to them and say ‘I’m sorry, but I lost the form, and I wonder if I could have another one.’”
Of course. It was true, but coming from a four-year-old it seemed especially wise.

“You’re right,” I said, hugging him. I could feel my tension level ebbing as I let go of the notion that I had to find those forms.

Naturally, once I ceased freaking out, I found the missing papers within the hour.

This is still pretty much the way I deal with stress. When I write mysteries, I tend to give my characters far more stressors than I’ve ever had to deal with, but I also make them much stronger than myself. I suppose this is one of the many ways that writing is wish fulfillment for me. I wish I were as strong as the people in the pages of my books, but at least I have sturdy young men who can tell me when I’m having one of my episodes and put things in perspective for me.

The mortgage crisis averted, my sons returned to their toys–-computer and army guys, respectively–and are none the worse for wear. I'm hoping their ability to deal with my "episodes" will help them in their careers one day.

Maybe they'll end up being air traffic controllers or crisis counselors. :)

How do you respond to stress?

Women of Mystery Quiz

by Darlene Ryan

Can you name the authors? These 16 women were chosen for no other reason than I like their books. Everyone who comments, no matter how well or how badly you do on the quiz, will have a chance to win the mystery anthology, Dangerous Women, edited by Otto Penzler. If tests give you a headache then just say "Hello" in comments. That will enter you in the draw as well. Good luck. Come back for the answers and the winner's name Sunday evening. We got out the lucky Law & Order hat and the winner is Iasa. Iasa send your snail mail address to darlene at darleneryan dot com and I'll get your book in the mail to you. Thanks everyone for trying our quiz. The answers are below.

1. Her alphabetized series is up to the letter T. Sue Grafton

2. This Edgar award-winning author wrote a series featuring journalist Molly Cates. Mary Willis Walker

3. This mother-daughter team combined their names to create their pseudonym. They are the authors of the Monkeewrench mysteries. PJ Tracy

4. This grand dame of mystery writers created Mr. Parker Pyne, detective, but is better known for her other two sleuths--one male and one female. Agatha Christie

5. Her red-headed sleuth is a former cop turned detective who also drives a cab on the side, acts a "big sister" to a drug lord's daughter and has a mobster boyfriend. Linda Barnes

6. This "diva" author, a past guest of the Deadly Daughters, named the cat in her series after her own cat, Mochie. Krista Davis

7. Her amateur sleuth, Tricia Miles, is the owner of a bookstore-Haven't Got a Clue--in the Bookstown mystery series. Under one of her two aliases she also writes the Jeff Resnick psychological suspense series. Lorna Barrett

8. This Agatha-award winner is one of the Deadly Daughters. Our own Sandra Parshall. (You all knew that, didn't you?)

9. Both her husband, Jonathan and her son, Jesse are writers. Faye Kellerman

10. When her on-going series began in 1977 her main character was an investigator for All Souls Legal Co-operative. Now the character runs her own investigative firm. Marcia Muller

11. She won the Anthony, the Edgar, the Agatha and the MacAvity awards for the first in her series about a Colleton County judge Margaret Maron

12. Her best-selling mystery series, set in Boston, features two female protagonists--one a police detective and the other a medical examiner. Tess Gerrittsen

13. This author is up to 14 in her numbered series about a Jersey bounty hunter. Janet Evanovich

14. Her sleuth's first name is Victoria but most people call her V.I. Sara Paretsky

15. This writer's characters include a witch, a pixie and a vampire whose company is called Vampiric Charms. The book titles are all parodies of Clint Eastwood movies Kim Harrison

16. She writes about the all female law firm of Rosato and Associates. Lisa Scottoline

So? How did you do?

That's NOT how I would've written it . . .

By Lonnie Cruse

A decade or so ago, I was an avid reader but not a published writer, unless you count newsletter articles for various publications, a family history for my children, and a really cute (at least I thought so, and the parents agreed) play written by me and performed by my cub scouts, Den 23, back in the seventies. The play centered around the adventures of a sock lost in the washing machine that eventually found himself in the land of lost socks. We even had a cardboard box turned washing machine as a character. Unfortunately, that particular literary treasure was lost to posterity, probably stuffed somewhere in my files ages ago. Where was I?

As a lone reader, snuggled up in my favorite chair with my favorite cup of tea nearby but no one to discuss my favorite books with, plot holes and other author errors sometimes bothered me. Most often I didn't know why. Most of my friends didn't read the same books.

When I started writing and connecting on the Internet and at conferences with other readers, writers, and reviewers, I began to hear discussions about what worked and what didn't in various books. I began to understand the difference between authors who skillfully wove in clues so that at the end of the book you smacked yourself on the forehead and said: "I shoulda spotted that one," and authors who out and out cheated the reader by holding back important clues and/or dropped a totally unrelated solution in at the end of the book. Ever hear a reader/reviewer say that she/he loved the book right up to the ending, whereupon it looked like the author had gone out to lunch and never come back?

I finished a book last night which shall remain title-less because I don't want a law suit, and I didn't like the ending. I'll give you the gist. Subject appears to be an uninterested stranger. Subject finds dead body in the home of the victim (subject entered vic's home unannounced in order to ask for assistance.) Police dismiss subject as a suspect because he IS a stranger. Another suspect (who proves to be innocent eventually but who threatens others with a weapon) is accidentally killed by authorities. Authorities assume this is the end of the case.

Several suspects confess to subject/stranger that he/she *could* be the killer because no one liked the victim, but no one wants anyone else to go to the slammer for it. One of those "he got what he deserved" victims. Even though the now-dead suspect would be perfect to pin it on, they can't seem to leave it like that. Hello?

End of book, stranger/subject confesses to a relative of victim that he is the real killer and why. Relative, NOT rushing out to find the cops and report subject, instead begs subject to stay. Subject knows it would be impossible to have a relationship and leaves. Meaning leaves forever. I stare at the words, THE END. Say what?

First: if I knocked at the home of a stranger in order to get help, and NO one answered, IF it wasn't a true medical emergency, I just needed help for a car out of commission, I wouldn't then enter that home, unannounced. Subject did. That bothered me. I'd find another home to get help, even in a remote area.

Second: Subject immediately agreed to help someone he'd never met before cover up what really happened to the victim, so that cops would suspect a wandering stranger, and not that particular rather beautiful family member. Uh huh. Second red flag.

Third: Cops so quickly dismissed subject as a suspect because he was a stranger. I mean, really! The person who finds the body is second only to the spouse as a suspect in a murder case.

I'd have made the cops more suspicious of the subject, eventually discovering the truth. And I wouldn't have allowed the subject to simply walk into a stranger's home, or two suspects to fall in love with each other within seconds of meeting, with a dead body slumped between them. Sigh.

Sooo, do you ever spend hours/days after closing a book, figuring out how YOU would have written it? Ever throw a book across the room?

Personally, I'm not a book thrower. I was raised--by an elementary school teacher, mind you--to have far too much respect for a book to ever throw it. Rather, I slide it carefully into the tote bag of books-to-be-donated-or-sold-as-long-as-they-are-out-of-my-sight. And try to forget it. Sigh.

My favorite reads in other genres

Elizabeth Zelvin

While mystery makes up the bulk of my reading for pleasure, I do pick up books in other genres now and then. Some of them are even among my all-time favorites. Very few of them are literary fiction—been there, done that as an undergraduate English major many years ago. Even fewer are commercial fiction, much of which is plot driven and lacking in character development for my taste. I don’t read hard science fiction or straight romance. So what’s left? Character-driven novels with elements of fantasy, speculative fiction (a term I prefer to “science fiction” because it’s about the “what if” of storytelling rather than the hardware), historical fiction, and yes, mystery and romance. Genre benders. Brilliantly written genre benders about characters I want to take home with me—same as my criteria for mysteries.

At the top of my list is Lois McMaster Bujold, author of the Vorkosigan saga. The books take place in a galactic setting, but they focus on the conflict between a science-fiction kind of universe and a planet that has recently emerged from a low-tech Time of Isolation, complete with horses and a feudal aristocracy. The stories are engrossing (several are mysteries), the world-building impressive, wit and ideas and moral dilemmas abound. And the characters—oh, the characters! Miles Vorkosigan and his friends and family are as real to me as any fictional characters I’ve ever encountered. My favorite book (in all genres, including literary fiction and classics) is A Civil Campaign. Bujold crosses galactic space opera with comedy of manners and comes up with a complex, intensely satisfying, and laugh-out-loud funny read. She dedicates the book to Jane, Charlotte, Georgette, and Dorothy—and I think Austen, Bronte, Heyer, and Sayers, once they adjusted to the premises of the genre, would all love it.

Another wonderful writer who takes a science-fiction premise and embeds it in a low-tech world is Sharon Shinn, whose Samaria books I reread almost as often as Bujold’s. Samaria is a world where humans are protected and guided by angels who perform their intercessions with the god Jovah through glorious singing. The first book, Archangel, reads like fantasy. But as the series unfolds, the reader gradually learns that things on Samaria are not what they seem. Each book is a stand-alone with different protagonists. Each displays Shinn’s utter mastery of the arc of story and romance. The conflict and resolution is sheer perfection every time. And the characters, both human and angel, with their vivid and distinctive personalities, have very real flaws, virtues, and dilemmas.

Kate Elliott is another writer whose first series, the Jaran books, is my favorite. Again, she takes a galactic premise—in this case, humans have been conquered by a mysterious and powerful alien race and have to live as a subject people—and pits it against a freshly imagined horse culture on a world so primitive that the Jaran don’t even know that inhabited planets and space travel exist. There’s a heroic romance in the first book, Jaran, and the sequels follow its protagonists and add others. Elliott turned to other projects after the fourth book, so long ago that at least one subplot has become outdated (as Internet addiction has emerged in our present). But I wish she’d go back to the Jaran universe. That alien race is still a mystery.

This is Part I of a series, as there are other authors I’d love to talk about: Sheri S. Tepper, Diana Gabaldon, and Dorothy Dunnett, among others. Who are your favorite non-mystery authors and series, and why?

Judi McCoy Finds the Mystery in Dog-walking

Interviewed by Sandra Parshall

The winner of a free copy of Judi's book is Annette. Send your snail mail address to me at sandraparshall@yahoo.com and I'll put it into the mail. Congratulations!

Judi McCoy has been a successful romance novelist for more than fifteen years, garnering many four-star reviews for her work. Now she’s turning her talents to mystery with a humorous series featuring New York City dog-walker Ellie Engleman, who has a telepathic connection with her canine charges. The first in the series is Hounding the Pavement, published this week. A starred review in Publishers Weekly said, “Somehow managing to avoid every talking animal mystery cliche, McCoy fills this delightful story with humor, quirky characters, and delicious hints of romance.”

Judi is also a veteran women’s gymnastics judge and enjoys gardening and raising orchids in her spare time. She lives on Virginia’s eastern shore with her husband and three dogs. Visit her web site at www.judimccoy.com.

Everyone who leaves a comment today will be entered in a drawing for a free copy of Hounding the Pavement. Check back tomorrow to find out if you won – the winner’s name will be posted at the top of this blog entry.


Q. You’ve written a number of romances. Why did you cross over to the dark side and start writing mysteries? What is it about mysteries that appeals to you?

A. The crossover seemed natural. I’d run out of ideas for a ‘straight’ romance and came up with a character. My agent liked the idea and so did my sister, and they both encouraged me to take the idea and run. I liked the idea of getting the reader involved in the story (who did it, why, how?). Writing the books just seemed the next step in my career.

Q. Are you writing a series?

A. Yes, it’s a series (I’d like to do 12 books). My heroine is a New York City dog walker. If you don’t know about the dog walker business in NY, you’re in for a surprise. Most of them make $100,000+ every year, not counting tips and money for pet sitting. They also have keys to all the apartments they visit. (They’re bonded and insured.) The accessability to mystery was huge.

Q. What was the inspiration for your mystery protagonist and her adventures?

A. I love dogs and always wanted to be a dog walker. Unfortunately, I never lived anywhere I could do it. The idea for a romance about the profession had simmered in the back of my mind for a long time. When I had the chance to do a story, I decided to make the series work.

Q. Have you found that you have to do more research for a mystery than for a romance?

A. I certainly did for this one. I spent several days in NY, sitting on a bench on Fifth Avenue and Central Park just soaking up the atmosphere. Then I got brave and talked to dog walkers, doormen, anyone who was walking a single dog, too. I also called the Central Park East precinct and spoke to a CRM. He allowed me to come in and spend a couple of hours with a detective, an invaluable opportunity.

Q. Was this the first time you’d tried writing mysteries? Was selling the first one easier than you expected, or harder?

A. Avon, my romance publisher, rejected the book(s) without even reading them. That made my agent determined. She knew they were great and she planned to show them how foolish they were to refuse them. It only took her a month to sell the first three books.

Q. Why did you decide to give your profit from the first mystery to a humane organization? How important are animals in your life?

A. Best Friends is an amazing animal rescue charity. I’ve admired them for years, but I never realized how much they did until I watched their series, Dogtown, on the National Geographic channel. Once I saw the show, I was hooked. I also knew I had to do some crazy promoting to get my name and the books ‘out there’ so I came up with the royalty giveaway. Once I thought up the idea, there was never a doubt in my mind that I had to see it through. Even my husband agreed. I’ve had several wonderful discussions with people at Best Friends and they’re thrilled.

Q. Do you write full-time? Do you outline and stick to a writing routine, or do you wing it?

A. I write full-time, every day. I’m up at 6:30, walk my three small dogs, have breakfast and plan my day. I usually get to my computer by 8:30
and I’m there until 1. Then I take my lunch break and it’s back to my office until 5:30. My husband also works from home, so we’re together yet separate all day. If I have errands (groceries, hair cut, etc) I plan my time to do it all in one trip on one day.

Q. What do you believe are your greatest strengths as a writer? What aspects of craft are you still trying to master?

A. My greatest strength? I had to think hard about that one, because I’m not sure I have one. How about my sense of humor? I try to impart joy and fun into every book I write. No one gets murdered [onstage] in my books. Ellie finds the body, and along with her dog Rudy, solves the mystery, much to the dismay of her love interest, Sam, a detective. The hook is: Ellie talks to her dog and those she walks and they talk back to her. She hears them clearly in her mind, and oftentimes gets caught holding a conversation with them. That adds to the fun.

Q. What writers have inspired you and taught you by example? Whose books do you rush to read as soon as they’re published?

A. I love the Stephanie Plum series and I’ve used it as the basis for 12 books and no more. People have complained lately that the series is dragging on too long. Stephanie needs to make a choice between Joe and Ranger and decide if the bounty hunting business is really for her. I never want that said about Ellie and Sam. I’ll wrap up all the loose ends and make it work in 12 books. I also love Cleo Coyle and her coffee mysteries and Joanna Carl and the chocolate mysteries.

Q. What’s in the future for you? Will you continue writing mysteries exclusively, or do you plan to divide your time between mystery and romance?

A. The books/characters have been optioned for a weekly television series already, so I’d like to try my hand at script writing, or working with a writer to transfer some of the books to shows. Unless I get a great romance idea, I doubt I’ll go back to that genre. In reality, the dog walker books are very romantic. Ellie and Sam go to bed in book one, and there’s a regular romantic sex scene, just like I’ve written in my earlier books.

Q. Where can readers can meet you?

A. I plan to travel to quite a few states. I’ll be in the East Brunswick area for a signing, and probably the DC area later. In the beginning of April, I’ll be in Charlotte, NC, for a conference and signing, middle of the month in the Dallas area, and at the end I’ll be at Romantic Times in Orlando signing.
The first weekend in May is Malice Domestic, and I hope to travel to Pittsburgh to do the big mystery signing there [the Oakmont Mystery Festival on the Monday following Malice]. I’m out of breath just thinking about it, but that’s as far as I’ve planned.

Q. In parting, do you have any advice for aspiring writers?

A. I teach a two-day aspiring author course every year at RT (this year in Orlando) and the first thing I tell the newbies is, “Writers write. They don’t talk about writing or tell everyone they want to write. They put their butt in a chair EVERY day and they write.” That’s probably the most important thing a new author will ever hear.

Monster Lit

Sharon Wildwind

Is it my imagination, or is the world getting weirder?

What brought on this particular weirdness fit was the discovery that, later this year, there will be a movie in production called Pride and Predator. In it, the characters from Jane Austen’s book—including that British regiment who so conveniently camp on the front lawn—must deal with an alien invasion.

Welcome to the new sub-genre (or is it cross-genre) of monster lit. It’s all the rage in England and is rapidly slouching its way to Hollywood, waiting to be born.

What’s already in the monster lit pipeline besides tea and terror?

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a novel by Jane Austin and Seth Grahame-Smith. [Jane Austin plus, well, zombies]

Shades of Milk and Honey, Jane Austin and Mary Robinette Kowal [Jane Austin plus magic]

Jane Bites Back, Jane Austin and Michael Thomas Ford [Jane Austin plus vampires. A natural. Why hasn’t someone thought of this before?]

A paranormal series featuring Mr. and Mrs Darcy, [Jane Austin and Carrie Bebris]

A Wuthering Heights sequel in which Catherine returns as a ghost.

Mill on the Floss combined with human sacrifice.

Here’s the formula for monster-lit:
1. Hijack a classic.
2. Add a quirky.
3. Hook, mix, twist, and blurb.

Monster Lit aside, I first encountered the idea of hook, mix, twist, and blurb, as a serious writing technique, from a wonderful on-line workshop I took from the romance writer, Suzanne McMinn. If you ever get a chance to take one of her classes about hooking, mixing, and twisting, by all means do so. She has a terrific list of 70 classic hooks.

The basic idea is that you mix two disparate ideas, twist them together—rather like pulling salt water taffy—until you come up with a new story line, then write a 100-word blurb. The only limitation is that the blurb should be exactly 100 words, not 99, not 102. 100. It’s an exercise in discipline, okay?

This is a good exercise if you want to warm up your creative juices. It’s also a fun way to answer the question, “Where do you get your ideas?”

If you have access to Suzanne’s list of hooks, use it. Or make up a list of your own, using a goodly number (at least 50) story hooks. Write the numbers for each item on slips of paper and draw two at random. Or if you’re using it in a workshop or a question-and-answer session, have participants give you two numbers at random.

27 + 34 = (according to Suzanne’s list) Fish out of water + lies (by commission or omission)

Hook, mix, twist, and blurb for You Goat Girl—the eternal triangle of a girl, a boy, and a goat:

Sibyl Freeman didn’t mean to get the job. Using her sister’s resume was a lark. Now Cold Farm Quarterly has an assistant editor who can’t tell a rooster from a roto-tiller. So far her in-your-face attitude and frantic Internet searches have kept her afloat. Jonas Barkley, the magazine’s editor, has promised to be her slave forever, if she can help him prove to his family that he’s not the lack-a-daisy dreamer they consider him. Can a city girl, a goat, and a country boy find love, meet their deadlines, and keep the office livestock alive?

And, the next time you’re sitting around with a bunch of other mystery writers and/or readers, see if you can capture a place in the monster/mystery lit fusion market. Here’s your challenge:

1. Hijack a classic mystery.
2. Add a quirky: alien invasions, vampires and werewolves, magic, paranormal psychology, fairies and elves, genetic manipulation, virtual reality á la The Matrix, super-heroes, etc.
3. Hook, mix, and twist.
4. Write a 100-word blurb.

When my husband heard about this idea, he took it and ran with it. Here’s his blurb:

The Maltese Raven
In this pastiche of the Maltese Falcon, a detective escapes criminal intrigues by uncovering a nightmarish threat: the crooks want to possess a Maltese Raven statue, but the black bird is a living, intelligent trickster that beguiles all who hear it speak.

San Francisco’s 1930 streets hold no terror greater than this game of survival, with unwritten rules and ever-shifting alliances. The black bird is both prize and most dangerous player, as its whispers unmask each person’s fears and desires, bending them to its own, unknown ends.

“This is the stuff dreams are made of,” quothe the Raven.
-----
Writing quote for the week:

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
~Jack London, novelist, journalist, short story writer and essayist

Try Not To Envy My Weekend

It's so cold in Chicago this weekend that I'm typing this while wrapped in a blanket. But it's nice to take a little break and reflect on my day--a day which I have poutingly concluded contained no free time at all. Why weekends are glamourized as down time, I don't know.

I started well enough--up early to try to do that pesky grad school reading that is so difficult I have to read it out loud to myself in hopes of understanding it. My professor gave me tantalizing B-pluses on my last two response papers, gently suggesting that I "challenge more of the assumptions" in the theory that I'm reading. So I finished perusing the text and moved to the computer room, challenging away to the tune of a five-page paper. This was my fourth paper in four weeks of class, and it was getting pretty exhausting. I had spent three hours of my precious day off just catching up with my homework.

As I finished, my sons came barreling downstairs, all bluster and bellow. They wanted food. They were kind enough to go in the attic and watch Pirates of the Caribbean while I wrote my paper, but they finally set themselves free and launched themselves at me. There is no such thing as personal time when growing boys are around; to complicate matters, my husband called from work and said he forgot his lunch. So out we went, the boys and I, into the windy cold and off to Burger King, where we got lunch for four. We drove my husband's burger to him and he lent me his sunglasses, since the sun put in a surprise appearance today.

Then it was off to the hairdresser's, since my fourteen-year-old's mane needed taming before school the next day. He sulked over to the barber's chair; neither of my sons like haircuts; they treat them as a barely necessary evil.

After the haircut I dropped the boys off at home so that I could do the week's grocery shopping. I pushed my cart around the store in a daze, re-writing my theory paper in my mind and wondering which items I would forget to buy. I drove back home, got my sons to carry the groceries in, and unpacked them all.

Then it was time for my next exciting activity: grading essays. My sophomore class took their first test, on The Scarlet Letter, and the accompanying essays needed work, to put it mildly. Some of the students barely made an effort. Several of them misspelled Nathaniel Hawthorne, even though they were allowed to have the text in front of them. One of them spelled the title word "Scarlett." With many sighs I spent another hour marking them, comment after comment in the margins like an eternal sea.

By the time I finished it was five o'clock. I couldn't believe it! Where had the day gone? Then it was time to make the boys some dinner.

(My oldest keeps following me around with his copy of Watchmen, the graphic novel that has taken America by storm, especially now that it is about to debut as an exciting new (and R-rated) movie. My sons (for my sins) have both read it, and they persist in trying to get me to read it. "How far are you?" asks my eldest at all times of day.)

He asked it now. "How far are you in Watchmen?"

I was doing the dishes. "Uh--I don't know. I think I just read the part about the guy who is fascinated by owls."

"Oh. You didn't have to read that part. That's just symbolism," he said.

"Well then I do have to read it."

"Read the next chapter! It gets really good after that."

"I still have grading to do! Do you want to help me grade some quizzes?" I asked, at which point he disappeared, mumbling something about a phone call he had to make.

I generally only have time to read Watchmen at night, in bed, when I read one or two pages and then fall asleep. This frustrates my sons, who want to discuss it with me.

Tonight I'll have to take it to bed again because I won't have free time until then--and my son will probably be disappointed in the morning. It's not that Watchmen isn't good. It's quite interesting. It's just that Mom is tired.

So that's my exciting Sunday; I'll bet you can top it, at least in terms of excitement.

Once I finish Watchmen I'll let you know how I liked it. :)

Procrastination: A Writer's Nightmare

(Award-winning author, Charlotte Hughes, began her writing career publishing newspaper and magazine articles before becoming a New York Times best-selling author. Charlotte makes her home in Beaufort, S.C. Best known for her Full series with Janet Evanovich, she has written over 40 books, ranging from the 3 mysteries she wrote for Avon to Mira's Hot Shot. Her newest release, Nutcase, centers on Atlanta psychologist, Kate Holly, and the humourous antics of her friends, family and patients. In the process she's learned that the life of a psychologist is enough to drive anyone nuts. Readers are invited to visit Charlotte online at www.readcharlottehughes.com where she also blogs regularly. To celebrate the publication of Nutcase, Charlotte is doing a blog tour, Virtually Nuts, and we're happy to welcome her today.)

Someone recently asked me, “What is the thing you most hate about writing a book?”
My answer was, “Um, writing the book.”
That gave me pause. Gee, what a thing to say!
I thought of my friend, a successful author, who once said she loved being a writer but hated writing. I remembered another writer friend who seldom found time to go to her computer because she was forever volunteering, holding dinner parties, creating new gourmet recipes which she hoped to put in a book one day. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the book she had been commissioned to write. She never got around to writing the book and had to pay back her advance.
Pretty scary.
So I got to thinking. . . I knew I loved writing – it’s what I’ve done for more than twenty years – so why was it still so difficult to write the damn book? Even more disconcerting is my present unfinished manuscript that was due two weeks ago. Another missed deadline!
It sort of feels like I missed my mortgage payment, only worse. I wouldn’t miss a mortgage payment so why would I not make a book deadline?
It’s a clear case of procrastination, and it has been a part of my life since forever. I remember putting off book reports in grade school, cramming for exams in college. I even procrastinated when it came to bearing my two sons. On both occasions, my contractions stopped the minute I reached the hospital, and my labor had to be induced.
One problem, I think, is how I look at my deadlines. They feel kind of vague and so far off in the future that I don’t actually see them until their staring me in the face. Like Christmas. You know it’s coming – I mean they put up the decorations right after Halloween – but somehow it always slips up on you, and you almost kill yourself trying to buy and wrap the gifts in time.
I think for me I lack focus and direction. I am so easily distracted that I found it tortuous to sit through the movies “Australia” and “Benjamin Button.” Give me a ninety minute movie, and I’m good to go, but I don’t want to sit through some two and a half hour epic. I don’t like having to go to the concession stand twice for popcorn.
I always tell people I don’t believe in writer’s block because if I believe in it I’ll get it. But I’ve been blocked, and it is sheer misery. It’s like the creative well has run dry, and you are using a divining rod to find water in the middle of a desert. My head feels like it is stuffed with cotton, and there’s not an idea to be found. Only a sense of dread and despair. (This might be the reason so many writers drink!) I’ve had two husbands – at different times, of course – tell me I always go through an agonizing process before the story takes root or clicks in my brain. Even then, I have to force myself to go to the computer and face that blank page. Wouldn’t it be easier to face a firing squad?
Why do I/we have to go through this torture? Finally, we start the book and fill up that first page, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy going from that point on. There are dry spells, stops and starts, days when you want to toss your computer out the window and get a job flipping burgers. When the words won’t come, the most difficult thing is slogging to that computer day in and day out. I find as many reasons as I can to avoid it. Sometimes I pretend I’m attending to something more important than my writing, but I know I’m just putting it off.
It’s also during this time that I find myself caught up in little dramas. I don’t know if these situations come about as a result of the stress I’m under or if I’m subconsciously seeking out distractions or both. During this time I find I absolutely must have something repaired in my house, usually to the tune of a lot of money, and suddenly I’ve got contractors coming in and out. One of my sons will do something dumb, and I’ll go off the deep end, or my mom will have a health issue, and I’ll spend sleepless nights pacing the floor because I just know it’s up to me to solve all these problems.
By this time my life is in chaos, I’m a total wreck, as are most of the people close to me. Only my case is worse because I’ve got a book to write. I have to earn a living. But how can I possibly write my book in the midst of all of these problems, I cry to the heavens. And, OMG, what if I never write again!
Panic sets in. I start ordering all these books that promise to cure procrastination. I listen to my paraliminal tape, “Get Around to It,” from Learning Strategies. I tell myself I’m going to GET CONTROL of the situation. I get out my egg timer, set it on sixty minutes, during which time I WILL NOT leave my desk no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. But not even ten minutes passes before I have to pee so I decide while I’m up I can grab a cup of coffee, and I run like hell because I know I’m sort of cheating. And as long as I’m at it I’ll go ahead and let my dogs out. I arrive back at my computer, out of breath and find more time has passed than I thought.
Before I can gather my thoughts, the dogs are barking to get back in, big eye roll, I jump up and run to the door to let them in, only to have one of them hurl something green at my foot.
Well, hell, now I’ll have to bring out the mop, and that reminds me I haven’t mopped, MUCH LESS vacuumed my floors IN DAYS, so with a huge sigh I clean up the hurl with a paper towel and run for the laundry room and my vacuum cleaner. If I’m fast, I can get back to my desk and still beat the egg timer. But hellfire and damnation, I can barely get to the vacuum cleaner for the pile of laundry so I pause to put on a load of clothes.
Back at my computer I see a large chunk of time has passed, and I decide I’m going to make up for the lost time by not answering the phone or checking my e-mail, but, I have to check it because I’m expecting to hear back from my agent on a particular question I asked so I’d better check before I get back to work. Nope, nothing from the agent, but OMG, Pottery Barn is having their 75% clearance, and that is my favorite store in the entire world!
The egg timer goes off. Crap! I decide not to restart it until AFTER I’ve looked at the online sale at PB. My shopping trip steals more time than I’d planned, and I’m so tired because I got up at an ungodly hour so I could get started on my book early, which explains why I’m still in my pajamas. My mother would find that appalling because she believes in having her face and hair done by 6 AM. She’s also the only woman I know who starches and creases her jeans.
Okay, I’ve got a plan now. I’ll grab lunch, lie down for thirty minutes and devote the rest of the day to writing. But back at my computer, I need to see if my agent has responded to my e-mail.
The best and the worst thing that happened to writers is the Internet. It’s too easy to touch base with friends and other writers. (Of course before that we stayed on the phone with each other!) It is too easy to lose yourself on the Internet. It’s like trying to eat ‘just a little bit’ of butter pecan ice cream out of a half gallon carton. It can’t be done. Before you know it, half the ice cream is gone. You can blow half a day online. Then you have to feel guilty and even more stressed about not getting much done on the book.
It would be so much easier if I just wrote the damn book.
In “The Procrastinator’s Handbook,” (yes, I bought the book), author Rita Emmett writes: “Because much of procrastination is a game—a mind game—you can use your mind to change the game. Instead of focusing on how you’ll feel doing the work, focus on how you’ll feel when it’s finished. Think about the payoff. Visualize the relief and sense of accomplishment you will feel once it is done.” In the very next paragraph she advises us to, “Harness your mind and imagination to change the procrastination game.”
Well, okay, I tell myself, but harnessing my mind sounds pretty hard because it’s traveling in a million different directions.
Something Rita Emmett said in her book, about making excuses, really bothered me. “Every time you voice excuses, you are trying to convince someone (most often yourself) that it’s OK that you did or didn’t do something. You may have noticed that excuses undermine other people’s confidence in you, but are you aware that excuses harm your self-esteem.”
Reading that was an ‘ah-ha’ moment. I don’t know about other writers, but I have days when my self-esteem is lower than a gopher hole. I don’t want or need a another reason to feel bad about myself.
Then there’s the part about others losing their confidence in me. I am, for the most part, a good person who obeys the laws and tries to follow the Golden Rule. I send money to several charities. If somebody needs me, I try to be there for them. I check my FICO scores once a month. I would simply die if I did not have a high FICO score or wasn’t a good friend to someone who needed me! That would make me feel as though I couldn’t be counted on.
So how is it that I’m able to change the rules where my book is concerned? The very sobering answer to that is I have no right.
All the little rituals and negative self-talk and the drama that I put myself through have no place in the professional world. We’ve all heard stories about the famous authors who came before us and lived hellish lives in the name of creative genius – Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Cheever, Anne Sexton, Sylvia Plath – the list is far too long and their stories way too sad. Suffice it to say that many authors have fought demons; as a result, drank and drugged their way through life.
I’m not so sure all that drama works in today’s publishing world. My editor might feel like my best friend, but I don’t think she’s going to be around for long if I drag her through every minor tragedy that befalls me because, let’s face it, writers seem to have a lot of tragedies that just might be called “life.”
So here I am with an unfinished manuscript that’s late, and a book tour that starts in one week, and I don’t even know if I can fit into half the clothes in my closet. And here’s the really bad part: I knew this was going to happen. For weeks I’ve been dreading it, DREADING IT! Why? Because, as much as I hate to admit it, this has happened before.
I’ve spent so much time dreading it that it’s all I could think about. I read somewhere recently that the more we think about something the bigger it gets. That makes perfect sense, and when something gets really big it just sucks the life right out of you. It OWNS you. Think of all the time and creative energy it takes to give life to all those fears and insecurities and God only knows what else we put ourselves through!
And then there are all the interruptions.
My smoke detectors have been beeping for a week, and I am JUST ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND because it sounds like I’m surrounded by newborn chicks, cheep, cheep, cheep! Holy hell, of all times for this to happen! Now I have to go find the damn ladder. But first I have to find the new key to my outside storage room because I lost the old key and had to get someone to replace the entire doorknob, and Lord only knows how long that is going to take.
When I get back I’m going to set that egg timer, and I am NOT getting up, NOT ONCE, not even to pee, until I get some work done on my book.
Oh, hell, my dog just hurled again. I’ll have to call the vet. This has been the worst day! Maybe I’ll have time to work on my book tomorrow.
(So what's your favorite excuse--I mean valid and important reason--for putting things off?)

Sigh, I feel like Typhoid Mary . . .

By Lonnie Cruse

Shingles on a roof can be a problem when high winds hit, ripping them off and dropping them on your lawn, several feet below where they really belong. IF you're lucky, your insurance will replace them. If not, likely you will soon be up on the roof all by yourself, hammer in hand, precariously balanced and praying not to slide off and join the rest of the shingles, far below.

Shingles on the human body, the viral kind, can be a far worse disaster. IF you are a senior citizen, you really need to research this problem, on the Internet and among your friends. Here's what I found out. An elderly relative of my hubby suffered from a bout of shingles all the way down one leg and had severe pain for over a year. Wearing street clothes was extremely difficult for her, so she spent a lot of time in a loose robe. Another relative was on a trip with friends, several hundred miles from home. On reaching their destination, he had to be taken to the nearest ER, with severe pain on his upper back. His annual golf trip, long anticipated, wasn't much fun. The diagnoses, shingles. That was a year ago this February. When I asked him last week how long the problem lasted, he said he still had it, a year later! Not the rash/blisters, mind you, they faded in about thirty days or so, but the area is still tender and painful to the touch.

A search of the Internet will most likely scare you like it did me. Along with the severe pain (shingles attacks your nerve endings) sufferers can be blinded if the facial area is afflicted, and if pneumonia results, the sufferer can die. Not something I wanted to have happen, particularly since I had a huge case of chicken pox when I was five, and those of us who had chicken pox are more at risk for shingles than those who didn't. Urrrrr.

On my first visit to my new family doctor, I noticed several signs spread around the office urging patients to consider the shingles vaccine. I asked for more info, and here's what I learned. The vaccine is expensive, usually around $200 per dose. And it's a bit delicate to store. It MUST be kept frozen until just minutes before the injection. Most, if not all, doctors are reluctant to order and/or store the vaccine. Instead, they fax the order to local pharmacies who then order it. It takes two to three months for the orders to be filled because there are so very many of us seniors learning about it and rushing to sign up.

Many of the pharmacies will also give patients the shot right there in the store because transporting it to the doctor's office can be tricky as well. Let the vaccine thaw for more than thirty minutes and you've just blown two hundred samolians. And by the way, this $200 buys you about a half inch worth of vaccine when it's placed in the syringe. Whew. Is it worth it? You be the judge. I'm not a fan of severe pain, and seeing/hearing how shingles affected others was enough to convince me.

So where does Thypoid Mary come in? In case you're too young to know who Typhoid Mary was, (or don't remember all the details, as I didn't until I did an Internet search) she was the first person in the United States to be identified as a healthy carrier of typhoid fever. In the early 1900's Mary, (I'm not using her last name) a young cook, immigrated to America and came into contact with dozens of unsuspecting people as she took jobs in various homes. In EVERY place she worked nearly everyone in the family became seriously ill and some died. Typhoid fever is contracted after the victim consumes food or liquid handled/prepared by a carrier of the disease.

Since Mary was certain she'd never had typhoid fever, she continued to deny she was the cause, even though the disease spread throughout every single family she worked for. Researchers believe her mother had it during her pregnancy and that caused Mary to become a carrier. Thus the term Typhoid Mary came to mean anyone who infects others without suffering the results themselves. Mary's complete refusal to admit she might be the problem, and her continuing to work as a cook and causing severe suffering (and in some cases death) in those around her resulted in her being forcibly quarantined twice in her life. She eventually died in quarantine at the age of sixty-nine. (After her release the FIRST time, she continued to work as a cook, even though she promised not to as a condition of her release. And, yes, those people got sick as well.) At least two men have also been identified during that era as carriers who had not knowingly had the disease.

When I first researched the shingles vaccine, I learned that the vaccine is "live" and therefore I would need to avoid contact with infants and young children who had not yet had chicken pox or been vaccinated for same. Okay, I could do that. We didn't have any small children in our family, and I could easily avoid the infants I routinely come into contact with at church or in public. Couldn't I? Hmmm.

My family doctor ordered the vaccine to be shipped to our local pharmacy in Metropolis, and to my relief, there was someone on hand to give me the vaccine when I arrived to pick it up. No dashing across the Ohio River to Paducah (and risk getting stuck on the bridge IF there was a problem) in order for the doctor's office to administer it. All was well. That shot was probably the LEAST painful I've ever been given, since the giver uses the fatty section of the arm between shoulder and elbow (sigh, she had no difficulty locating MINE.) Yeah, I'm talking about the chicken wing that swings under the arm, below where my muscles used to live. Sigh. But I digress. And I've had no reaction to speak of from the shot. Not even a rash. Back to Typhoid Mary.

After the shot, Hubby and I went to have breakfast and while waiting for my pecan waffle to arrive, I read the mile long warning/instruction paper included with the vaccine. Along with infants and small children, I'm to avoid "close contact" with pregnant women. Okay, I can do that, even though the young woman who sits beside me at church every Sunday and Wednesday night is newly pregnant. I'll simply move to another pew. But for how long? After all, we have at least three pregnant ladies in our congregation, and three or four little ones who are at risk from me, and it's not a large building. The mile long warning paper doesn't specify. I search online, beginning with the company who made my vaccine. Nothing, except the same warnings. I call their 800 number. The person on the other end of the line says: "It depends on the individual." Okay, I pride myself on being an individual, so give me a ball park figure. How long to I avoid close contact? He can't say. Or won't. Urrr.

I call my doctor. Bless her heart, she takes time out of a very busy day and researches my question. But she can't get me an answer either. I call the pharmacy. They also have no clue. I look at the drug company's website again. (You'll notice I'm not mentioning names. I don't need grief from them. I've already shelled out $199 for the vaccine, and I don't have insurance to cover it. But it was worth it, more on that later.) Where was I?

I call a different number at the drug company. This person has no clue either. Sooo, how long do I sit in a different pew? (If you attend church regularly you likely know how very territorial we church goers are, and how we hate having to sit out of pocket.) And since I routinely hug and chit chat with the expectant moms in the bathroom between Bible study and worship, I now have to use the RARELY used potty waaaaay in the back of the building, by the class rooms. Urrr. I have given everyone I might be a danger to a head's up, that they should turn and run in the opposite direction, IF I happen to wander into their space accidentally. They agree (were they a wee bit too eager, or was that just my imagination?) I begin to feel like Typhoid Mary.

After further research, reading/wading through information on the Internet designed for doctors and other care givers about the vaccine, and actually understanding it, I decide thirty days should be long enough for me to be "safe," live vaccine or no. I might wait longer than that to return to "my pew" because I do NOT want to cause problems for the newly pregnant mom. I'm thanking my lucky stars that the vaccine arrived when it did, because she and her family lived with us for nigh onto two weeks after the ice storm that took out their power, so for all of that time we were indeed "in close contact" as the pamphlet-as-long-as-a-roll-of-toilet-paper cautioned against. Luckily they were able to move home just a couple of days before I received the vaccine and learned about the cautions. Did I mention I felt like Typhoid Mary?

I've been surprised to learn how many other seniors are not yet aware of the vaccine. Shingles is a serious threat to all of us over sixty, and sometimes to those who are younger. The side affects of the vaccine are generally mild, bit of a sore arm, etc, but well worth the protection. According to my research, the vaccine doesn't guarantee that everyone receiving it won't get shingles. But while those who do get shingles will have the rash and blisters, the pain will not be as severe. The vaccine helps protect against that. For me, it's well worth the cost, both in money and time. And I can survive a month or so of avoiding those at risk from me. What about you?

Against the Grain Part II: Building A Better Relationship

Elizabeth Zelvin

Note: This is the second half of my Valentine's Day post on relationships.

Two psychologists called Prochaska and DiClemente invented a model of the stages of change that they originally meant for describing addictions and recovery. It works equally well when applied to other processes involving change, including relationships.
The six stages of change are precontemplation, contemplation, determination, action, maintenance and relapse. In plain English:
1. you’re not even thinking about changing, even if the way things are is causing trouble
2. you’re thinking about it, but you feel ambivalent
3. you’ve decided you want to change
4. you do something about it, like changing your behavior or your attitude
5. you keep practicing new behavior and attitudes
6. you slip back into your old ways

I’ve counseled many couples in my career as a therapist, and the stages of change model explains why so often it doesn’t work. Typically, one partner drags the other into treatment. What’s the problem? “I’m willing to change, but he’s not.” (With straight couples, it’s usually the woman who’s more motivated to get help—or thinks she is.) What’s really happening here? What stage are they in? She claims he’s in precontemplation—doesn’t think he needs to change. She thinks he needs to change, all right. But does she realize she needs to change as well? Nope. She too is in precontemplation.

What do they expect from therapy or counseling? Well, he expects torture. And she expects a fix. She wants the therapist to recommend a book (like those by Hendrix, Gray, and Gottman that I mentioned in Part I) and make him read it and do the exercises with her. Yep, she wants to jump right to action. And because neither of them has gone through contemplation and determination, all the exercises in the world won’t heal their marriage or relationship.

So what’s the first requirement for building a better relationship? Two willing partners. If you’re dissatisfied with your relationship, start by throwing away that list you’ve been compiling of all the things your partner does wrong. Ask yourself a few questions.
1. Do you love your partner?
2. Are you prepared to make some changes yourself? Not be right all the time? Let your partner win?
3. Are you prepared to give up “should” and “not fair”?
4. Would you rather be angry or have the relationship? Not a rhetorical question. Ask yourself, and be honest about the answer.
5. How much trust and safety do you have with your partner? If there’s a problem of drinking, violence, depression, jealousy, or lack of support, you may have a genuinely unwilling partner, and you and your helping professional need to know that.
6. Are you willing to get help for yourself if your reactions to your partner come partly from your own history? In the vernacular, are buttons getting pushed? You need to know.

Next on the agenda: giving up blame, criticism, and control. This is very hard to do, but it’s essential to a good relationship. Here are some actions you can take, from sources as different as the three psychologists I’ve mentioned, family systems theory, the twelve-step programs, and a variety of approaches to mental health.

1. Accept your differences. Agree to disagree on “perpetual conflicts.” Accept the difference in gender styles, between “Mars and Venus,”or in individual personal styles, in how you process conflict. Remember you can change yourself, but not your partner or anyone else.

2. Respect your partner’s boundaries. I love the way the Mars and Venus guy talks about it. When men “go into the cave” to work things out, women had better not “sit outside the door of the cave,” waiting to hear all about it. Conversely, men need to try not to shut down emotionally when a conflict needs to be resolved.

3. Stop blaming. One good way is to watch what you say and how you say it, no matter how angry you are. Some communication styles escalate things, others defuse them. You won’t make things better by accusing, critiquing, or even justifiable anger. Tell your partner about your sadness, fear, and anger without saying your feelings are his or her fault.

When you’re moving from determination into action, there are plenty of tools you can use to resolve conflict without the kind of fight that tears relationships apart. Don’t throw the kitchen sink into the argument. Stick with the “solvable conflict” that’s on the table. Let repair attempts succeed: accept laughter or a natural closure to the discussion. Don’t do a Columbo—“And one more thing”—that starts the fight all over again.

Be aware of how the past can escalate the present. Counseling can help with this. Sometimes an intense reaction to what your partner does or says has as much to do with the past as with the present situation. Learn to recognize when your buttons get pushed, and separate that out from what’s going on now with your partner. If your partner identifies a button-pusher, respect it; don’t go ahead and push it. Acknowledge your partner’s vulnerability; admit your own.

There are appropriate and inappropriate ways of expressing feelings. “I feel sad,” “I feel scared,” “I feel angry,” and “I feel lonely” are appropriate. “You always,” “You never,” “You should” and “Why can’t you” are inappropriate. Appropriate expressions of feeling get through. Inappropriate expressions arouse defensiveness and escalate the conflict. By the way, “I feel you always,” “I feel you never,” and “I feel you should” are not “I” statements about your feelings. They are merely ways to accuse or blame, and they will make things worse.

One of my favorite ways to put it in a nutshell is the Serenity Prayer, used in twelve-step programs and other spiritual paths. Whether you connect with spirituality, religion, or neither, and whether or not you use the “G” word, I suggest you keep an open mind about the value of “serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” It will help you have a better relationship.